063 - Joy-Filled Birthdays
- A special series: May is for Mamas -
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I can not even believe it, but today is my daughter's fifth birthday. How in the world do I have a five-year-old? I don't know. Five whole years of sweet little Milly being in our lives. Five whole years of me being a mama. I can not believe it.
These five years have come by really fast and really slow all at the same time. Birthdays are so special. They're so special for your kiddos, they're so special for you, mama, but if we're being real, they can be really stressful too. Birthday parties, planning, all the things.
So today I'm going to talk about birthdays in honor of sweet Milly turning five. I'm going to talk about putting some joy back into birthday celebrations and give you a few ideas and lessons that I've learned to make birthdays in your home perfect for your family.
I have three little kids, which means I don't have a ton of birthday experience under my belt. With Milly turning five and the others being two and one, I think, yeah, this means it will be my eighth birthday for my kids. Through the years, I've paid attention to some things, I have made some changes in our family as a result. And I'm hoping that just a few of these lessons that I've learned will help you as you navigate celebrating your kiddos well.
Hit play above to listen, or read the full show notes below.
So let's back up to Milly's first birthday party. When she turned one, I pulled out all the stops. I bought paper invitations that I mailed in the mail. I framed photos of her.
I made a seven layer rainbow cake the night before with homemade frosting. I had her baby book on display. We had it outdoors, in a park near our home. Honestly looking back, I'm still so proud of what I pulled off for a first time mom. But here's what I remember. I remember being really stressed. I wanted to do everything myself because I was the mom. I thought that was me, my job. I'm the mom. I want to do everything. I'm also the one who really loves big birthday parties. My husband loves throwing birthday parties, but he's like, "They don't need to be that extravagant." So I'm like, "Okay, I'll take it all on myself. It's all good."
Now listen, the grandparents came to help—I was so thankful for that—but I just have this vivid memory of me being so sweaty and so stressed out about everything. The time is ticking, guests are going to be arriving soon, Milly will be waking up from her nap soon, I had to breastfeed her, all these things. It was just like, I can't get it all done! It was just stressful. And the moment that she went to eat her cake, which is like the big moment we were all waiting for and I made her the seven layer cake, she didn't even eat it. I mean, it was hilarious because she didn't even touch the cake that she was supposed to eat, she just didn't want it.
I remember really wrestling with this too, because I was really looking forward to throwing this party. I wanted it to be special. I wanted to buy all the things and make the details sweet. In the midst of it, I learned something about myself. Throwing a really big birthday party was really stressful for me. And then I'd have a chip on my shoulder with other moms who threw these extravagant Pinterest parties for their kids and be like, "Well, she's one of those Pinterest moms and well, I'm just not like that anymore because yeah, it's just too stressful.” Really inside, I wanted to be like that. I wanted to pull off those birthday parties, but I tried to and I couldn't.
Bottom line is, I was just really confused and for whatever reason, birthday parties just caused a lot of turmoil in me, especially after Milly's first. I remember having a conversation with my sister about it, as usual, because I always call her when I feel like I'm on the edge of a meltdown or a breakdown saying like, "Oh, this is just so stressful, but I really want it to be big. And now I feel like a bad mom, but I feel crazy." And I just was all over the place and she basically just was so life giving and said, "Nancy, listen, it's okay." In the way that only a big sister could, she said, "Nancy, you're doing a great job. It's okay. Just love your kid. They don't know the difference. They're fine. Just love your kid well, it is okay. You don't have to do this. You don't have to throw big parties." And she just gave me this peace and I was like, “Are you sure I really don't have to do this?” because I really wanted to.
As moms, I feel like we learn things about ourselves that kind of we realize, oh, we weren't the kind of mom we thought we were. I always thought that I would dress my kids really cute and they'd have all these cute outfits and my kids live in hand me down clothes and don't really look all that cute because I let them dress themselves half the time.
And I think it's important as moms to realize, we’ve got to give ourselves permission to learn who we are as moms and to change our minds along the way, because we have this idealistic picture in our head before kids and more kids happen, and that might change. I think birthday parties are one way that helped me see through the years, asking okay, what are some changes that I want to make? What can I do so that I can be a happy mom and a joyful mom? Fast forward to Lyndon's birthday party. Lyndon is my second child, sweet girl. Her first birthday party was so much better. I have a thing, the first year of life I feel like I do want to go big. I want people to come.
I want to celebrate them more so because it's like an accomplishment for us as parents to keep them alive for a year and say, "We did it. We made it to the one year mark, it's a huge milestone because that year is so tough in so many ways.” And this time I made a cake from a box and it was great. It was way easier than the seven layer cake. And I preplanned at a time for other people, specifically grandparents and aunts and uncles to run some errands for me like, "Hey, can you get this Chick-fil-A tray on your way in? Can you pick up these balloons? And that was pretty much all I did for the food. I just did Chick-fil-A. And for decorations, I just did balloons and a few streamers.
I got boxes of applesauce to feed the people, all the little friends. And I got some pre-made veggie trays that I asked a grandparent to pick up. And I just had a lot more fun. I had learned things from Millie's birthday party and applied them and I simplified a lot of it and I asked for a ton of help. And honestly, it wasn't anything fancy, but because we had really giant balloons that made a big statement and we invited a bunch of people, it felt like a huge celebration and I cut down my work a ton. Now fast forward to Beaufort's first birthday party, it is laughable. I did send out paper invitations. It's the only birthday party that I ever sent out paper invitations for is their first birthday party.
From then on, everything turns into like e-vite, paperless post invitations. But I sent out the paper invitations already and then we had to call the whole thing off. I mean, we were all so sick. This is in the midst of our winter of sickness I've talked about, he and Lyndon, I think both had the croup and I think Milly and I had strep throat, like the weekend of his birthday party that was supposed to be, it was awful. I think I made him a cake when we were all home and we sang to him on his actual birthday party after dinner. And I kid you not, I have a video of it. He was screaming the entire time we were singing happy birthday to him. I mean, it was so pitiful. He did not feel good. He had a fever.
I was like, we got to celebrate you, buddy. I just need to sing to you. I just felt so sad and right as soon as we finished the happy birthday song, Will was like, "We're done. He's going to bed." We just put him to bed. That was his birthday. And I had to let go of these expectations completely of celebrating my sweet boy, my sweet surprise boy who had gone viral in his photo. I really wanted “one” to be a big deal for him and I had to let that go. But looking back, I'm confident I did what was best for him and for all of us and for our guests by calling his birthday party off. I think the only thing that maybe I didn't do that was best for him was really, I was adamant we had to sing him a birthday song and he probably just would have rather have gone to sleep, but it's all good.
The boy didn't even get a present. I'm not even kidding. This birthday party was so sad. And it's okay, it was what it was. Here's what I've learned. Those are the number one, the first birthday parties for each of my kids. And then the birthday parties have gone on since then. They've become a little bit more simplified, but through all the birthday parties I've thrown, which aren't that many, here's what I've learned so far: you have to do what fills you up as a mama. Don't sign up for birthday parties and throwing birthday parties that are stressful because you feel the pressure from Pinterest or other people on Instagram or your mother or anyone else who tells you, "You should do this."
You don't have to, you need to ask yourself, "What fills me up?" And you know what, if throwing one of those Pinterest parties does fill you up and you love that stuff, I mean, I have some wedding planner friends who throw the coolest birthday parties, and they're good at it and they love that. If that's what fills you up, do that. If that makes you stressed out, don't do that. Just do what fills you up as a mama.
Another thing I learned is you need to learn your child's love language, love your child in the way that he or she wants to be loved or likes to be loved. A book that I have not read yet but it's on my list is Five Love Languages For Kids—I love the book, just The Five Love Languages, it's really been helpful in our marriage—but I love this idea of just learning the way that your child wants to be loved and then doing that on their birthday.
Another thing is to really communicate with your spouse about birthday expectations and birthday party budget and what they did as a family growing up and what you did as a family growing up, because those have been some stressful points between me and Willis when I'm like, "Oh, these are all the things I have in my head and I really want to spend like $200." And he's like, "Okay, this, no, like what? $200 for a one year old birthday party seems crazy." And we just had to really get on the same page about that. And I think communicating ahead of time just really helps.
And so we were able to get on the same page and say, "Okay, we do actually need to budget for birthday parties." Now that's something you have to learn as new parents. But how much is realistic and what do we need to do? What are the most important things that fill you up as a mama, that makes your child feel loved and so that you and your spouse can be on the same page about birthday expectations?
And then I've also learned it's just important to instill traditions that you can do at any birthday, at any age, it truly blesses your child and you. So a few of those things for us, these are things we do on every birthday.
Every birthday we have these reusable birthday banners. They're like these fabric banners. I bought one at a gift shop somewhere and who's ever birthday it is, they get to wear the birthday crown. Will's family, growing up had a special birthday plate that they would pull out on every birthday, whatever it is, these little symbols or things that you get to use or wear makes you feel really special because they only come out at birthdays. We always have a special birthday breakfast. And I like this one because thinking longterm, if your child has a birthday that falls in the middle of a school year, you can still wake up and go all out and make them a huge breakfast before going to school.
I'm making them feel super special that way and I love that they maybe have a say in the birthday breakfast or just doing something that's a surprise makes them feel really fun. We always do sprinkles on the girls' pancakes because they love pancakes and they love sprinkles for sure. Usually we throw some kind of party, it's different for every year and every kid. When Lyndon turned two, we did donuts and dinosaurs at a park. It was super simple. When Milly turned three, we did a Milly Pig birthday party themed after Peppa Pig. Beaufort's only had one and he's never had a birthday party. So there's that, but again, just keeping it really specified for their loves, Milly loved Peppa Pig, Lyndon loved dinosaurs and she loved donuts and just making it special for them, doing things that they love.
Another thing I do on every birthday is I make sure that I find that child in person and snuggle them really good at the exact moment that they're born and I say, "Happy birthday," which reminds me of Dwight and Michael on The Office when Dwight says, "Happy birth moment, Michael," and it's so funny and so awkward. But I also got this tradition from Gilmore Girls and I love how Lorelai would sneak into the room really late at night with Rory and wake her up and tell her her birth story and it's hilarious. If you watch Gilmore Girls, you know what I'm talking about. But Milly was born at like three o'clock in the morning, 3:08 or something like that.
And I wake myself up, I set an alarm every single morning on May 26 and I go in there and I snuggle her and I did it this morning. I go in there and snuggle her and I say, "I love you Milly. This is the moment that you were born and you made me a mommy." Usually she's totally incoherent and has no idea, and then I just put her back in her bed. But it really takes me back to that moment I became a mom. Lyndon's is a little bit earlier. Hers is at like 9:30 PM and then Beaufort's is 1:30 PM. So I don't wake him up, but the girls I go in there and snuggle them and wake them up, which is really sweet.
And that's for them, but it's more for me. It's a sweet thing I think that they're really just going to probably love and hate as they get older and as they're teenagers. But I just love that. Just thinking of something you can do on every birthday to make them feel special. And then lastly at dinner or when you're doing cake, whether or not you've done a big birthday party, just to go around the table and say one thing you love about that person.
A friend of mine, her family does this and they all sit around the table and maybe say a word or a phrase that really represents how that person has grown over the last year or what they've meant to that person over the last year. And I think that's cool to symbolize the growth of that year as well, which is just really special. I can't think of a better gift than just pouring into whose ever birthday it is and just speaking life over them and encouragement over them.
So another conversation Will and I recently had that was really so much fun for us as parents was considering milestone birthdays and what we want to do for each milestone age for our kids. This mostly has come from inspiration from other families that we know and what we've seen them do. And we're talking about what traditions we want to do for our kids as they grow older. But I just wanted to share a few ideas for you to start thinking about how to make these birthdays so special for each of your kids almost to have them look forward to, oh man, when I turn 10, I get to do this. Or when I turned 16, I get to do this and I'm excited.
It's one of those things that maybe on your next date night, you and your husband could kind of talk about it because it's a really exciting thing to think about and dream about as a family. So for us, the first big milestone birthday party is when they turn one, like I said, it's the only birthday party we send out paper invitations for, we invite a bunch of people and we just celebrate their first year of life. The next milestone birthday is five, when they turn five. And I think what we're going to do for this, again, all of these are just, we're dreaming. We have no idea if we're actually going to follow through on any of these.
These might totally change because again, it depends on every year and every kid and life circumstances. But when our kids turn five, we had the idea of going away for a night with just mommy and daddy, so this time it would be Milly when she turns five, staying in a hotel room, getting a king bed, letting that kid sleep between us in the king bed. And then each of us having some special time with her. So I was thinking maybe this year daddy could take her on a date and they get all dressed up. They go to their favorite pizza restaurant, kind of like fancy Nancy. And then I could her to get her nails done for the first time in a real manicure place and get her nails painted.
So just a night away with us, just one-on-one time, or I guess one-on-two time since it's mommy and daddy with us and that child when they turn five. We were going to do Disney World but I feel like that sets the bar really high for all of the five-year-old birthdays and to do two trips to Disney back to back because we have a two year old and one year old just felt like a little much. I was like, okay, a local hotel room seems a little bit more reasonable. You can also get one with a pool, that's always fun. Just getting creative with it. All right. The next milestone birthday would be when they reach age 10. A couple of our friends did this.
Our friends are amazing. They have six kids. And when one of their kids turns 10, they take some sort of adventure trip with the parent of the opposite sex. So if it's a girl, a little girl who's turning 10, she would go with her dad somewhere and go on an adventure. If it's a little boy who's turning 10, he would go with his mom somewhere and go on an adventure. Sky's the limit, you choose, you pick whether it's just the beach for a day or a night, or whether it's a weekend trip somewhere. But I thought that was a really neat idea. Just a different kind of twist on it just to do an adventure trip while they're still your baby, they're still a child, but they're also about to enter the teenage years. I thought that was really sweet.
Okay. Age 16 is our next milestone birthday we talked about. I think some sort of rite of passage kind of weekend would be really sweet. So this would be more of an all girls kind of weekend or an all guys kind of weekend. I have no idea what that would look like, but just speaking life into them and taking them away and doing all kinds of girl things and all kinds of manly things for your guy. I don't know. Again, these are totally thoughts that are not fully formed, but just ideas to get you thinking.
Age 18. These get a little extravagant, okay? So we were thinking it'd be really fun to let them know when you turn 18, you can choose anywhere in the US and we'll all go as a family, but you get to choose the location.
So teaching them to start researching and looking places they want to explore. And it can be anywhere in the US, whether it's New York City or California, or Florida Panhandle, whatever. You get to choose that and then we go there for a weekend. And then 21 gets even bigger. At 21, you get to choose anywhere in the world to go as a family. Okay. This starts to get expensive, I know. Like I said, I don't know that we're really going to do this, but this is just an idea because when your children become these adult children and they're 21 years old, which I cannot even wrap my head around right now—Milly is turning five today—I feel like it's so fun to dream about, but it's crazy to think about.
But when she's 21 one day, I still want to be making memories with her. I still want to make sure that we are together as a family. And that gives us several years from now to save, to save up for these things and plan for them, which is just, I don't know. It's just exciting to think about. So you could really make these as simple or as extravagant as you want, but let me just say, before you turn off this episode, make sure that you stick around to the end of this episode because I'm going to read a quote that really just wrecked me in the best way. And it just speaks to this. It speaks to budgeting for these things and the expense of it all and the memories and why it's so worth it. So stick around and we'll get to that in a minute.
Will sent me this post one afternoon after he screen-shotted it and he said, "Get ready. You might cry." He's part of a dad's group on Facebook and some dad posted it in there and this is what he sent me. And I will say it has a little bit of profanity in it, so I'm going to keep it family friendly and sub out some words, but you'll get the gist of it.
"My 15 year old daughter had a dream of seeing the Northern lights in Iceland. So we went, we packed lights, small packs, no agenda, no group, just her and her dad. And for three days we lived freaking epic. She not only saw those lights, but she saw the Milky Way and snow-capped mountain ranges for the first time. She played in viking ruins and hugged Icelandic horses. She ran on black sand and laughed at the mist from the biggest waves she's ever seen. Me, I saw my little girl again, playing, discovering, and running free. Dads of teenage girls, wipe your eyes, you feel this.
Watching my little girl again rang in my soul. But I also began to see for the first time, a young woman, independent and thoughtful, a woman I now respect as her own. My point to the dads, do epic stuff with one child at a time. I have four of them. Do not ever utter, "I can't afford it," because I'll call that BS. You can no matter where you are in life. Go big, get up, get out, open your eyes, excite them to discover adventure, see things for the first time, face fear together, the unknown. Don't let time pass when the world is at your feet and your little ones want to discover it with you or they'll do it on their own and wander off down a path in life that you'll know little or nothing about. Bedtime stories are good. Lifetime stories are epic."
So to the random dad on Facebook, I think your name was Adam Mitchell. Thanks for making me cry again. You have inspired my little family to not make excuses, and I'm really grateful for you, for your daughter, and for your trip to Iceland.
That's what it's about, right? That's why birthdays and trips and being intentional about this stuff matters. I just love, love his perspective. He will probably never ever know that I read that on my podcast, but I'm really grateful to him.
Oh friend, thanks for listening. Don't miss our next episode, it’s our last May is for Mamas episode and it's one of my favorites. I get to talk with Sally Clarkson and our conversation was just so encouraging. I can't wait for you to hear it.
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