081 - A New Look at Self Care
Affiliate links have been used in this post! I do receive a commission when you choose to purchase through these links, and that helps me keep this podcast up and running—I truly appreciate when you choose to use them!
Resources from this episode:
Blog post : Where do you put yourself in your list of priorities? by Michael Hyatt
Blog post: Self-care for people who don’t like self-care, by Emily Thomas
Show Notes:
We are constantly hearing and seeing the message of self-care. Take time for yourself. Don't forget to care for yourself. Drink water. Exercise. Go get your nails done. I have had so many mixed feelings about the phrase “self-care” for a long time.
So, today, I'm going to dive into the good and bad of self-care and offer a better, more holistic approach.
For the full episode, hit play above or read through it below!
The other day, I took this question to my followers on Instagram. What do you feel when you hear the words, self-care? And I got a massive response, both good and bad.
The positive feedback was really interesting, and I agreed with a lot of it. It said,
It's really important to be aware of what you need to be the best you.
Self-care makes me feel rejuvenated.
It's vital to survive.
It's a simple reminder to care for this temple—no need to overthink it.
It's actually worth the little things that make you function well, not just taking an hour away.
It's taking time to boost body, mind and spirit daily; I have anxiety, and it is necessary.
Some of the more negative comments were:
I'm annoyed at being told to have a glass of wine and do my nails. There's deeper stuff going on here.
It makes me feel lonely. I see others are able to do it often, and I just don't have the help with my kids to do it.
It makes me feel anxious. I never can figure out what I should do for self-care.
I'm annoyed by it.
It's an excuse for a selfish culture. It's important, but also, to be a Christian means to die to self.
It's a constant battle for me. I feel guilt when I practice self-care. There's so many things I need to be doing.
Way too many moms put way too much emphasis on it.
It's trendy, and I hate trends.
The concept is great, but the phrase is awful.
Surely, self-care is just being a responsible adult, right? It's another thing I can add to my list of inadequacies. And I hate this phrase because most people suggest expensive things.
And my favorite comment was one that said, "I was watching your story. And my husband on the other side of the couch said, 'I hate it.'"
So, thanks to the husband for chiming in on that one. And I think it's interesting too because as a believer, there's an additional struggle. And I heard from several believers on this. And they said, "My upbringing as a believer was to take no thought for yourself." That was the message I grew up with.
It has a negative connotation due to my Christian upbringing. And then, God tells us to rest and care for ourselves. But some people take it too far and use the phrase really selfishly. It makes me feel selfish, too self-focused. We need to care for ourselves but not raising above Christ. It's a manifestation of our self-obsessed culture, focus on Christ instead. It's a $10 billion industry that shows how we'll look to anything but Jesus.
Boom. Therein lies our struggle. Therein lies my struggle, if I'm honest.
Do we prioritize ourselves or do we prioritize others?
I have been thinking about this a lot, a lot over the last several weeks as I have prepared to record this episode. Honestly, almost too much. I think I may have spent more time prepping for this episode than any other because it's been my own struggle. And the conclusion I've come to is, I think as a believer, I have to use wisdom here.
One of the wisest true things that I've heard recently is the use of the word “and” and how it's so important. And oftentimes, we are quick to use “or” or “but” differentiating something from something else. But really, “and” is a great word to use.
For example, we're quick to say, joy or sorrow, disappointment or gratefulness, self-care or self-sacrifice.
But the longer I live, the more I realized that we are complex human beings.
And our emotions and minds and bodies can actually experience both. I have experienced joy and sorrow at the same time, disappointment and gratitude, self-care and self-sacrifice.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that it's all inclusive and that there's not a true black and white truth. No, there is truth. There is certainly black and white truth, right and wrong.
But as I have grown in my relationship with Jesus, there is a nuance and depth in me as a person that again requires wisdom to navigate. And I believe this concept of self-care falls in this category. And the biggest problem I see with this phrase and why I feel so icky when I hear it is, it's just one-sided. It's not the whole equation—
it's not the whole picture of a healthy life.
Now, I want to pause and talk to the mamas for just a moment. Because I think self-care is mostly geared toward us. I heard that a lot in the comments. And to me, that makes perfect sense and I just want to validate for a second what we go through as moms. I mean, this is what we hear:
Make sure you're taking care of yourself while you're taking care of your little ones. Eat good meals. Exercise. Even the responses I received on Instagram, some were just annoyed at how it was so directed towards moms.
But as a mom, going through motherhood three times now, being a mom of three little kids, I've learned that we're thrown into this journey where our lives just get completely turned upside-down. And if I'm honest, wrecked in a way, in a big way, in the beginning especially. We learn that we sacrifice every part of us to keep this human alive. And it's ongoing. We're up at all hours of the night offering the most basic of our primal needs to another tiny human.
Our actual bodies, our sleep, our nutrition or hydration, it's all shared. It's all poured out. And it can absolutely leave us reeling because we've never poured out like that before. My best friend had a baby a few months ago, and we've had so many conversations about just how difficult those first few weeks actually are. With tears in her eyes, she would look at me saying, "I had no idea." And I can only look back at her and respond with, "I know. None of us do."
You cannot explain it to someone who's never had a baby. You have to go through that process to really feel what that sleep deprivation and pouring out feels like. And I believe that's why it's so geared to moms, because self-care, the basics of self-care are a struggle for moms. Sometimes, I have to be reminded to get up and go to the bathroom. Eat a meal. Take a shower. As crazy as that sounds, it's true, especially in those early days.
But sometimes, it's hard to let go of that because we're so used to giving all of ourselves. It takes a retraining. It sometimes does take someone saying, "Hey, mama. Go take care of yourself. That's important." And we're like, "Oh, yeah. Duh. It is. I do need to go take a shower. That's good. It's important." So, I just want to validate the moms who do need this message because it's important, and it is valid. Because we go through this trial by fire as we have a little precious baby and we almost have to re-learn this.
So, that's why it's so geared towards moms, I think.
A little over a year ago, I was in a pretty dark place. I had three kids, ages, three, one and a half and four months old. They were little. I was still running my photography business. I was coming back from maternity leave while trying to keep this podcast afloat, and everyone was sick. My daughter had the flu. I had a sinus infection. My baby had ear infections. My middle baby had the croup.
My husband was back to work, full-time. And he helped all he could in the evenings and weekends. But for the most part, it was me pouring out every bit of myself, breastfeeding around the clock, changing diapers on the two babies, doling out medicine, while feeling awful myself. I mean, awful. Everywhere I turned online, I would open my phone, look at Instagram: self-care. Take care of yourself. Don't neglect yourself.
I kid you not, it stirred in me an anger. And it built up in me for months. I mean, we dealt with sickness a long time. I hated the term, self-care. I looked at my husband in just rage. I was so mad. And I said, "Are you kidding? Self-care is a freaking joke." It is a joke. I just couldn't stand it. I felt like whoever talks about self-care, they don't know what this is like. They don't know what it's like to be a mom of three little kids where literally you don't even get a chance to think about breathing for yourself.
I didn't have an option for self-care. Even the grandparents who live close by who are so willing to help and are amazing, they didn't want to come near our house. I don't blame them. We were sick. I mean, there was the flu. We have fevers. We're contagious. But I couldn't take a minute for self-care because we were also sick.
I was in the mess of it, and there was no other way out other than surviving and crying a lot every day, and hanging on by a thread.
Self-care and the people with those messages I know were so well-meaning. And no doubt, I certainly could have used them, especially those weeks. But sometimes, we find ourselves in seasons where we pour ourselves out completely. And other times, we find ourselves in seasons where we have a lot of time to give. We have more margin in our lives and more space to give. Oh, just thinking about that story makes me so tired. And also, so super thankful for the health of my family right now.
At the end of that super long month of illness my family was dealing with, and I felt like I was carrying everyone on my shoulders, and I was so sick and fatigued, and tired, and I would say I was borderline depressed, certainly anxious around the clock, completely on edge. My husband walked in one Saturday morning, the good man that he is, and handed me a note that said,
"Thank you for caring for our children so well. Here is $50. Take the next four hours and go do whatever you want with it."
I completely burst into tears. I mean, I was done. And I got dressed, crying, got into the car. And I remember that day so well, so crystal clear. It was like I came out of this fog. I binged on four or five podcast episodes. I just drove around town.
I had a healthy lunch somewhere, all by myself, worked on my laptop a little bit, and then went and I got a manicure. I cannot tell you what this did for my mental game. It was the most life-changing Saturday I've ever experienced coming out of what I was dealing with. When I came home, I felt rested, rejuvenated, equipped to come back home and care for those little ones like I never had before.
And it sounds like self-care, right?
Just taking some time to care for myself and to fill myself back up. Now, after experiencing a season where self-care seemed inaccessible or just so few and far between, I've been wrestling with this phrase and looking for a better approach ever since then because it made me so mad. But this message I'm sharing with you today of this new way of looking at self-care is not just for moms. It is for moms, but not just for moms.
It's also for workaholics, for addicts, for dads, for pastors, anyone in ministry, for business owners, even for the lazy, all of us. We all need to hear this.
We all experience different seasons that stretch us
and seasons that come a little bit easier.
That's just how life is.
So, in this episode, I want to do a few things. I want to break down the dangers of self-care and the benefits of self-care. I want to talk about what the Bible says about it, if it says anything about it.
And then, I want to introduce a much better approach for you and I to use, to replace this buzzword of self-care that leaves us feeling icky, so we can renew our minds and the way that we view it.
So, the next time you see it on Instagram or in an article, or whatever, you can replace it with a fuller context and a healthier approach.
The dangers of focusing so much on self-care is it sets you up for failure.
By the time I've been thinking about all the ways I need self-care in my life, I have created this long mental list of all the things I'd love to do. Then, I wake up, and reality hits. And I start to resent my husband, my kids and my schedule. I resent my circumstances. I start to resent my life.
Focusing so much on self-care fosters this sense of wanting to escape instead of wanting to show up.
The thoughts that come to me are like, "Man, I wish I was out drinking wine with a girlfriend right now.”
Or “I wish I was locked in the bathroom taking a bubble bath."
And let me just say, there's nothing wrong with those things. Those things are good and important. But the danger of focusing on it too much is that it does foster this sense of wanting to escape all the time. Focusing too much on self-care really feeds comparison. I have looked at my friends and thought, "She must enjoy that time to herself so much. I wish I had that. I wish I had people to come take care of my kids once a week like her parents too. I wish I had that. My life is so hard compared to hers, I never get a break."
I just started to feed comparison when our focus is always on self-care. It causes us to rely on ourselves, on our strength, on our ability to care for ourselves and not the Lord's ability to care for us.
And if I can be brutally honest, sometimes, focusing on self-care feeds straight up laziness, all in the name of self-care.
I can neglect responsibilities, work. Listen, some people just don't need any more self-care. They need to limit the self-care. And the best thing that they can do for themselves is to get up and work on something. Now, the benefits of self-care, and there are a lot of benefits of it, is that you can't give well when your well is empty.
Listen, if I don't get enough sleep, I am on edge and cranky.
If I don't eat, I get weak, and I'm on edge and cranky.
If I don't exercise regularly, I start to feel like I have been stuck inside my own body. I get resentful. I feel agitated.
If I don't have healthy adult conversations with friends, my brain starts to feel sad. That sounds so weird. But it does because it's neglected. And emotionally, I just start to feel so lonely.
But when I do get a good night sleep, I feel capable. Actually, I feel like I've won the lottery, if I'm honest. I feel like a million bucks.
When I eat well, I feel more energetic and less sluggish.
When I exercise regularly, my mind is so clear. I promise, exercising for me is more for my mental health than it is for my physical health. It's like a bonus that it's good for my body. But honestly, it's so for my mental health.
When I schedule alone time, oh, it's glorious. No one's touching me. It's the best. I could honestly just tear up thinking about that.
I remember though, when I'm by myself with the Lord, just away from everything, I remember I'm Nancy. I remember I have gifts. I remember the things that I want to do, the dreams inside of me. It's good. It's healthy. When I take care of my appearance, when I actually have a shower and get dressed, and put on makeup, and do my hair, I feel ready for whatever comes my way. It's the same as when you dress well for an interview. You put your best foot forward.
And that's the same for me in my house. Even if no one else sees me during the day, except for my kids and my husband. If I'm dressed, I'm feeling good. Even if I get dressed with leggings and a T shirt, or if I just wear workout clothes all day, at least I'm intentional about getting dressed and making that my look for that day. I am ready for that day. And when I read scripture and make time to write in my journal and pray, when I listen to worship music, when I participate and spending time with other believers, when I listen to sermons, I'm built up in my spirit.
We need that. We absolutely need that. I mean, there are so many benefits of caring for ourselves well.
In all of this, we need to look at what the Lord says about it. We have to use wisdom. We have to stay grounded in what the Bible actually says. And here's where it can challenge us, I think as believers. I think this is where self-care maybe gets hard for our minds to wrap around it.
Philippians 1:21 says, "To live is Christ, to die is gain."
Luke 9:23 says, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself. Let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."
Galatians 2:20 says, "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me."
Romans 12:1 says, "Present your bodies as a living sacrifice."
And Colossians 3:3 says, "For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God."
It's hard to be focused on self-care when you hear the Lord say, "Hey, deny yourself." But I want to share why these verses are such a gift. This mentality is a gift if we can embrace this way of thinking in our mind and in our spirit. Life would still be hard. Seasons would still be hard. But we would be working in His strength, in His sufficiency, not our own.
When I think back to the times in my life where I have been the most fulfilled, the most overflowing with joy and gratitude, to the point and can't even express it, several of those memories point back to mission trips that I've been on.
And I've been on, I think, eight or nine mission trips. I'm not even sure how many, through middle school, high school and college. I've been to Germany, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, West Virginia. Yeah, several of these places, I've been to twice. And the last two mission trips we went on, Will and I actually had the privilege of leading a group of students and a few adults to a mission trip to Nicaragua. And we had these weeks of training, leading up to the trip.
And so, once a week for four weeks, we met with the team. And we would prepare the bags that we were going to bring over there and give away. And we talked about the culture. We talked about what to expect. But we really focused on the word SUFA, S-U-F-A, SUFA. And we'll broke it down in once a week for four weeks, he taught on SUFA.
S stood for servanthood.
U stood for unity.
F stood for flexibility, and
A stood for attitude.
And he said, "If we can get our hearts right, we can embrace SUFA as a team and as individuals. This mission trip is going to be incredible."
Then, it became a buzzword. We'd joke about it. And even on the trip, if somebody had a bad attitude or complain, we'd say, "SUFA." And they're like, "Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Attitude." Or if we plan something for hours and then it got rained out, we'd all be super bummed. And then, we would all rally together and be like, "SUFA. It's alright, flexibility. God has this."
And just preparing our mindset for that before the mission trips began, allowed for it to happen with a lot of joy instead of a lot of disappointment.
We just let go of our expectations and instead, we embraced SUFA, servanthood, unity, flexibility and attitude. Because when I was expecting to get nothing, when I was expecting to show up in serve, when I was expecting and had planned to pour out my life, to die to myself, to be flexible, to be unified—
When I pre-determined to have a great attitude, I had the most fulfilling, life-changing weeks of my life.
I came home from those trips in utter gratitude after experiencing the poverty in places, and experiences, I just bawled my eyes out. I mean, I came home. I remember, we just drove onto the highway. My mom picked up me and Will from the airport. We drove onto the highway, and it was a smooth road. And literally, the entire week, we had been driving on dirt, bumpy roads.
And the smooth roads there were so very, very bumpy, and there were live animals on the sides of the road. I mean, it was just a totally different experience than what I experienced when I came home. I just cried. I wept in the car on the way home. My mom surprised us and said, "Hey, I went grocery shopping for you so you wouldn't have to. There's food in your pantry in your fridge." Will and I looked at each other. We just lost it.
I mean, both of us. We could not comprehend the wealth and the blessing, and our gratitude. I mean, we were just blown away by it. And I think it goes back to that predetermined SUFA attitude. It made us just so in awe and so grateful for the good in our lives. And it allowed us to serve that entire week with good attitudes and with joy.
Contrast SUFA with a self-care focus.
I mean, obviously, you don't sign up for a mission's trip to think about self-care. That would be a different trip, like a spa trip, right? But just to play this out, if my focus had been self-care that week, I would have been miserable.
My attitude would have been terrible. I would not have gotten any of the rich life lessons that the Lord had for me that week. I would have missed meeting so many beautiful people because my eyes would have been on me. I would have missed out on what God had for me because my eyes would have been on me.
Do you see how those verses that I just read to you are actually a beautiful way to live? To live is Christ, to die is gain. If anyone would come after me, after Jesus, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily, and follow me, when we approach life. Like, "Hey, I've been crucified with Christ. I'm going to die to myself. I don't live anymore, but Jesus lives in me." That's a gift. That's a beautiful way to live, if that's our mindset towards life.
I mean, everything in life would be a massive blessing, if that's the way that we looked at our lives. And going back to the Word, God speaks to us about being the temple of the Holy Spirit. He makes His actual home inside our bodies. He knows the number of hairs on your head. He cares deeply about you. He is close to the brokenhearted. He wants shalom for you, which means peace and wholeness, and healing, and health.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says, "Do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit within you whom you have from God? You're not your own. You were bought with a price. Glorify God in your body."
1 Corinthians 3:17, "If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple.”
1 Timothy 4:8, "For while bodily training is of some value, godliness is a value in every way as it holds promise for the present life, and also for the life to come."
And John 14:23, "Jesus answered, 'If anyone loves me, he will keep my word. And my Father will love him. And we will come to him and make our home with him."
There are a lot of commands for us to lay down our lives for the Lord. But when we continue to look at all of scripture, a healthy approach to everything, we also find examples of taking care of ourselves, honoring our bodies, showing ourselves, or living our lives in such a way that we acknowledge that we're valuable while laying down our lives for others.
I think one of the biggest examples that we can look to in the Bible is Sabbath.
Sabbath, it's a completely forgotten practice that we don't embrace in America. And I mean, some people do. I try to, but as a whole, as a culture, Sabbath isn't really a thing anymore. And if you want to learn more about Sabbath, I have a whole episode dedicated to it. You can go back and listen to that.
But if you think about it, Sabbath was built in self-care.
From the beginning of time, built in rest, built in “no work,” enjoying creation, enjoying the Father, enjoying life, realizing what He did for us. He attributed value to us, that we're in relationship with Him, pausing from everything, all the hustle and bustle, and craziness, so that we can realize those things and rest in Him.
And I often wonder, if we actually practice a Sabbath, if we actually did this all the time, once a week, took a day off completely rested, would self-care even be a conversation we're having?
If we just followed God's word and did that one thing?
I don't know. I mean, I think I'd feel pretty filled up if that was a reality for me. We also have to look at the life of Jesus. Countless, countless verses where Jesus went away to be with His Father. He left the crowds. He left the town. Often, He would have times of solitude, times of prayer. And the first 30 years of Jesus' life is just a mystery. It really is. We don't really know what He did other than working hard and honoring His dad and mom. I mean, that's basically it.
Also, taking into account just while we're talking about the Bible and scripture, think about people back in the Bible times. They walked everywhere. Their work by nature was very active. Jesus was a carpenter. Many of His disciples were fishermen. I mean, this is active work. So, these days, we talk about exercising and taking care of our bodies. But that really wasn't as much of an issue for them culturally today.
We're facing things that they didn't face back then. So, we need to look at all of scripture, all of these things as we're thinking about the struggle between laying down our lives, self-sacrifice, and self-care.
A few years ago, I came across a blog post by Michael Hyatt, who's a believer and author, blogger, podcaster. I really admire him and his leadership. And he said it this way, very plainly. He said:
"I have six priorities. 1. God, 2. self, 3. family, 4. work, 5. church, 6. everything else."
And he spoke to this a little bit. He said,
"As a believer, of course, Jesus comes first. Of course, God is first. Perhaps surprising to some people is that I come next. That's right, me. I don't think this is because I'm selfish or egocentric. It's because I can't take care of anyone else unless I take care of myself.
If you fly much, you've probably heard the flight attendant say, ‘In case of an emergency, put the oxygen mask on yourself first before attempting to help others.’
This is how I just look at life. I have to attend to myself in order to help others. If I don't look after my own health and become sick, I am not much use to my family or my employees. This is why I run regularly and try to eat nutritionally-sound food. If I don't get sufficient rest, I get grumpy. No one wants to be around me. This is why I try to sleep a solid seven hours every night. Plus..."
—and this is the part I really love. —
"Plus, I want to model how to take care of myself so that my children will take care of themselves. Some people put themselves at the bottom of their priorities. But I think this is nothing more than a false and dangerous piety. We are in a much better position to serve others when our basic needs are met."
I've wrestled with this blog post because I too was raised in a Christian family, just in the church and thinking, "You have to lay yourself down. Think not of yourself. Give your life away." But I’ve got to say this about his blog post, I just love his clarity. It's simple. And more than that, I just want that for my kids. When I think about the kids I'm raising and what I want for them, I want them to be healthy and whole, and functioning humans. I want them to have that.
And how are they going to know how to take care of themselves? Well, if I'm not modeling that for them. And if I want that for my kids, I believe God wants that for His kids too, me and you. I also think this clarity is founded in an understanding of our value and how God sees us. He sees us as His kids, His children, as valuable and loved. He wants shalom for us. He wants what's good for us. Go look at what shalom means. It's more than just peace. It's beautiful.
I think wisdom calls us to take time to care for ourselves mentally and physically, acknowledging the value and love that God has for ourselves, and acknowledging that we're finite humans who need nourishment and care if we're going to be able to live sacrificially and live for His kingdom. Because then, God would not have designed our bodies to run out, which they do, to need constant replenishment, which they do.
If He didn't expect us to make time to simply care for them, it should be a given. Self-care should be a given—expected—to do life well, to eat well, to get adequate sleep, to move our bodies, to drink water.
Listen, the Lord loves you. He wants health for you. He wants us to be emotionally, physically and spiritually sound and wise. He loves to heal us and restore us, and grow us. That is what God is in the business of doing. He's crazy about us.
And He calls us to die to ourselves, which is also like we talked about earlier, a gift to value others above ourselves in our own selfishness, to embrace SUFA, to serve, to acknowledge that, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
It's not either or.
It's both and.
It's self-care and self-sacrifice.
You shouldn't focus everything on just one of those things. It's just not the whole picture. So, let's talk about a better phrase or a better approach to living.
What if, instead of talking about self-care all the time, putting so much emphasis on self-care, self-care all the time, we simply talked about living in health as a believer? Living in maturity? Because as a believer, living in health does require maturity.
In that, you have to discern two things in your own life before you can really embrace living in health. You have to know what makes you healthy, which might not be the same thing for your brother or your sister.
So, first, two things you need to know.
First, you need to know yourself.
Do you hate getting your nails done? Great. Don't do it. Don't get your nails done. I really don't love getting my nails done. That one day my husband gave me $50, I couldn't think of anything else to spend it on. I really never get my nails done unless my mom's in town and she takes me. That's not a thing that I do. If you don't love it, don't do it. I appreciate it, don't get me wrong. I appreciate it every once in a while. I do enjoy it, but it wouldn't be in the category of how I care for myself well. Do you like baths? Take a bath. I am a bath person through and through. I love baths. Do you not? Are you a shower person? Stay in the shower. Do that. What is fun for you? Maybe you're like, I hate doing both. I never like to shower. But what's fun for you? What's something that's relaxing for you?
I mentioned those because a lot of times, it's a great way to get clean and a great way to relax. But what are some other things that are just fun for you? What fills you back up? You have to know these things about yourself. Self-care for someone else will look very different than self-care for you, which is why you need to know this about yourself. And then, be confident in it.
I asked my friend what she felt like self-care was. One of her answers was so good. She was like, "I think it's whatever makes you feel like you."
So, what makes you feel like you? What makes you feel restored?
And I'm not talking about things you have to spend money on. I'm just talking about things that make you, you, the things that you like to do.
Okay. So, the first thing is, you need to know yourself.
You need to know what you like and what you don't like, and you need to own it.
And the second thing is, you need to know the season that you're in.
Single friends of any age or couples who don't currently have babies, what do you need to do right now to live in health? That's your season that you're in. Know that you have some time and flexibility that you can take advantage of. Workout, journal, start a new project. What is it that you need to live in maturity and in health?
New mamas, I just wish I could reach through this little microphone and into your earphones, and give you a hug. I just want to say, you're going to be okay. You're going to be okay. I want to ask you, what's manageable for you in this season? When you shower, could you dim the lights and listen to worship music? A friend of mine takes just a few extra minutes to do this every night after her kids go to bed. And I love that. What's manageable for you right now? And just acknowledge, it's a season. Know the season, and know that it won't be like this forever.
Parents of older kids, empty nesters, you have a little bit more time now. I just want to encourage you to know the season that you're in, and use it wisely. Pour out, if you can. Give away your time and your money. What a beautiful season to spend yourself on ministry and others.
Listen, this is all about living in health, taking care of ourselves responsibly, and giving away our lives freely. My friend, Emily Thomas, who is actually going to be coming on the podcast next week— I'm super excited about that episode, it's going to be great—she said it so beautifully on her blog post, and I think this simplified it and clarified it for me.
I'm going to link her full blog post because I don't have the time to read the whole thing. But she said,
"I think self-care is so much broader than its current buzzword status might have us believe. For me, it's less of a list of things to work into my days or weeks, and more of a strategy of putting together a life I love, one that I don't feel like I need a respite from."
Isn't that a beautiful way to put it? She said,
"As much as possible, I build my life from things that energize me instead of drain me, which often means cutting things out more than adding things."
And she goes on to share her list of things that she considers self-care for her. And one of the things that makes me laugh in this blog post is she calls herself a beautifying curmudgeon because she hates getting her nails done. She hates massages, but she owns that. And that's what I love about it. She said,
"I consider evening walks, hiking, walking through a beautiful neighborhood, reading, writing, connecting to the Lord, seeing a fun project through from concept to completion, going out to a favorite spot to eat food, date nights in, date nights out, watching a movie. I consider all of those self-care. Many of these boil down to seeking adventure and beauty as often as possible in as many ways as possible."
Don't you love that? I feel like I'm going to tuck those things away and keep them with me all the time, that I would have a strategy of putting together a life that I love, one that I don't feel like I need a respite from, and that I would seek adventure and beauty as often as possible, in as many ways as possible.
So, just go read her whole blog post because it was so good. I wish in this episode that I could hand you a perfect equation for you, for living in health and maturity for you.
But guess what, only you and the Lord can figure out what that looks like.
Because you're you, and you're in this season that you're in. And this will probably change. What you do to care for yourself now might look a little bit different five years from now. It probably will, actually. Some things will say the same because you're you, but your season is going to change.
All of this requires wisdom, surrender and listening. It requires ditching comparison and self-fulfillment. It requires following Jesus, being faithful to our families and our God-given assignments. And it requires taking care of ourselves well so that we can do those things. And it requires getting a little more familiar with yourself, your season and what you need.
The bottom line is, I think there's this huge movement of self-love and self-care, and self-obsession, because we do neglect our own health. Let's be honest.
And it's not just to our own detriment. Even though it is, it's also to the detriment of our marriages, our families, and the Kingdom of God.
I have had friends who have had to check into mental hospitals, who have lost their marriages, who have run out in their families and children because they ignored their own needs for much too long. That's not healthy, and that is not what the Lord wants for you and me.
I've also had friends who focus so much on self-care or doing what's comfortable and easy all the time. That over time, they lack the capacity to work or have a good attitude about anything.
They feed laziness. I've had friends who are just in a mess in their finances because of that, because they just want to do what they want to do. They become so self-centered, they fail to see or help the people around them. All they want to do is care for themselves and their needs all the time.
That's not what the Lord wants for you and me either.
You have to have both as a healthy believer. Some seasons are going to favor self-sacrifice and giving your life away. And that is when we cling to the verses where it says,
"I counted all joy when I encounter trials of various kinds, knowing that the testing of my faith produces endurance."
We just cling to those verses that it is a joy to suffer for the name of Jesus.
And some seasons are going to favor self-care. And we can lean into God's presence for hours. We can learn about Him. We can learn more about ourselves. We can experience His beauty and His rest. Listen, all of it is good. All of it is God refining us. And in every season, God gives us exactly what we need to do exactly what He has given us to do. I can think of nothing better or more exciting for the church than to get healthy. Of course, we're never going to be perfect, but God redeemed us, not so that we can limp along but so that we can walk in freedom and offer that freedom to others.
If we got healthy and mature in every aspect of our lives, just imagine the power and movement that would take place in the Kingdom of God.
It starts with me, and it starts with you. And it starts ultimately with surrender to Jesus.
Listen, it's painful to not eat that cookie or not drink that Starbucks when you're trying to lose a few pounds and get our body healthy. It's disappointing to not buy the dress so we can pay off more debt and get our finances healthy. It's hard to meet new people to join a church when it feels awkward. And it's heart-wrenching to confess that we need help—to ask someone, watch the kids, "I need a minute." It feels embarrassing to me sometimes.
Being healthy as a believer is dying to ourselves, caring for ourselves, and caring for others. We certainly need guidance from the Holy Spirit for this season that we are in to live this out well. From now on, every time you see self-care, my hope is that you would not be bothered by it or irritated by it, but you would just quietly know, God has given me a better way, and you would replace it with a more mature healthy perspective.
Self-care is lacking when it's by itself. It's part of the equation, but it's lacking.
As a believer, our goal should be maturity and health.
I recently heard my friend, Hannah Brencher, share that oftentimes, life happens. We wake up, and our days are receiving the top of a funnel where it's wide open. Everything is pouring in.
We're catching everything that's going into that funnel. And by the end of the day, we're exhausted, and we just have very little amounts of energy, or ourselves to give, or to get anything that fills us up. And it's just, we've been dealing with so much that's coming at us. And living in health or caring for ourselves is simply flipping that funnel over.
Doing the few things to take care of ourselves, mentally, physically and spiritually, so that we can pour out big, so that we can serve big, so that we can live and flow in our giftings.
Listen, there are going to be some really good days ahead. You are going to get this whole thing down. You're going to be like, "I got it. I feel replenished. I'm happy. I'm feeling strong. I can give away. I can take care of myself. I got good sleep, good growth, good health. Things are going great."
And then, there's also going to be some harder days. You're going to feel depleted, possibly for months on end. There will be seasons where you are fighting for just a moment to yourself, and you might not get what you need most.
My encouragement for you is that in any season, you embrace maturity.
You care for yourself as best as you can, And you die to yourself, knowing that the Lord is sufficient in you.
My encouragement is that you would know yourself. Know the season that you're in. Know that it will all come and go as seasons do. And above everything else, you would hang on to Jesus, His example, and His love.
He is rooting for you.
He is guiding you.
And while we will never be enough, He always, always is.
Work and Play cornerstore
All right, it's time for the work and play corner store, where I share a book I'm loving and a thing I'm loving. I'll get a small commission from anything bought through these links, which will help me continue to bring this podcast to you. So I always appreciate when you head to nancyray.com/cornerstore, but the price is normal for you, which is a win-win.
Today, I'll be adding the book, Present Over Perfect as well as my favorite Epsom salts for my bath. Now, this book is such a good one. It's by Shauna Niequist, one of my favorite writers and authors. She's incredible. It had me tearing up several times. I felt like when I read some of the chapters, I felt like it just grabbed my soul and woke me up, as weird as that sounds.
It just really spoke straight to me, and I feel like it's time to re-read it. I read it a few years ago, and I feel like for some reason, it's just a good book to read in the fall. So, if you're looking for a good book to read, Present Over Perfect, is definitely a recommendation.
Okay. Let's talk about the Epsom salts. Dr Teal's Epsom salts, I tell you what, I think I've officially broken up with bubble baths. I just go straight for the Epsom salts now. The Pink Himalayan Mineral salt is my favorite scent, and the Lavender is my second favorite.
Listen, if you are a bath person like I am, they are so good. They smell so good. They're good for your muscles. They're good for you. They're amazing.
I'm going to close with words from 2 Corinthians 3:4-6,
“Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything is coming from us but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us sufficient to be ministers of the new covenant. Not of the letter, but of the Spirit."
My prayer is that you would walk in wisdom today knowing that the Spirit is ready to give you life wherever you are.
Thanks for listening, and I'll see you next time.
