To read Part One, Click Here

Do you want to hear the sweetest thing EVER? Last night when I came home from the Return to Rest retreat, I walked upstairs to unpack and saw that Will had painted the entire nursery while I was away! A beautiful and cozy light gray we picked out the other week! I couldn’t believe it. He has been just the sweetest husband I could ask for during this pregnancy. I don’t know what I’d do without him. Also, there’s gonna be a real live baby in my house in just a few months. What the what! This is getting real, people!

It is so hard to believe that I will already be 6 months pregnant THIS WEEK. My belly has grown quite a bit since the photo was taken above… this whole process is still quite surreal. I’ve been told that I’ll never really get used to it, even when the baby arrives, and I know that will be the case for me. My prayer is that I would slow down and enjoy every season of this, knowing that I’ll never be pregnant for the first time again.

Since I last shared my heart about my journey with this sweet baby, not much has changed, yet everything has changed.

I’m still the same independent, goal-setter, anti-clutter, love-my-sleep, entrepreneur, love-my-husband, focused, love-to-travel, joyful Nancy that I’ve always been. And yet, I am ALSO a Mama who loves to feel these kicks, who loves the challenge of planning a maternity leave, who loves the thought of Will being a Daddy, who loves tiny hats and mittens.

For some reason, I thought that I couldn’t be all of these things at once. I thought I’d have to sacrifice my ambition for mommyhood. But I’m realizing, I don’t. It’s ALL who I am. I don’t have to choose one or the other, I simply have to choose to be comfortable in who God made me to be.

Day by day, month by month, I’ve traded my anxiety for joy. I honestly am very surprised at how much I am enjoying this journey. I thought I’d be kicking and screaming the whole way, since I dreaded being pregnant for so, so long. I’m thankful for God’s goodness to me early on – that he began to prepare my selfish heart for this season long before I got pregnant. This is God’s good plan for me, and it’s much sweeter when I lay down my own expectations and plans and simply embrace His plans.

Some highlights of my pregnancy so far:

We’ve decided to keep the gender a surprise
After much deliberation and many conversations, we have decided to keep this little one’s gender a surprise. We are praying and hoping for a healthy baby, and while we both think it’s a boy, we are very excited for the moment of anticipation in the deliver room when the doctor says, “It’s a ____!” We decided this for several reasons: First, we want practical and neutral gifts that can be shared among siblings. Secondly, I’ve heard its great motivation in the delivery room when you are ready to meet your baby. Lastly, it’s one of life’s last greatest surprises, and we wanted to keep it that way. People have been surprised for thousands of years, and I love the anticipation of it. Not to mention – every single couple that has highly encouraged us to wait to find out has done it themselves, and said it was the best thing they’ve ever done!

Names
The plan is that we will pick out one girl name and one boy name before we go to the hospital! We have a handful of names that we like, but we are very undecided. Hoping it will become clearer as time passes!

Cravings / Food
I love salty, savory, vinegary food. My favorites have been pickles, Olive Garden salad, anything with banana peppers, and all dairy products! Whole milk has never tasted so good. I also eat granola + bananas + yogurt every morning and it never gets old.

Movement
This has been my favorite highlight of all! I’ll never forget when I was lying on my bed one night at 20 weeks, and I felt this baby having a dance party in my belly. Will hadn’t felt it move yet, but I was convinced he would be able to feel it. I called him into the room, he knelt down beside my bed, and after waiting with this hand on my belly for a few moments I felt a solid kick. He looked at me and said, “WAS THAT IT?!” We both started laughing and I said, “YES!” Since then, our little one has not stopped. It’s constantly moving and kicking and I love it!

Learning
Let the book reading begin! Will is reading The Birth Partner and the Expectant Father. I’m reading What to Expect and How to raise a Healthy Child in Spite of your Doctor. We have a long list of books on parenting we want to read this year, which we will be sharing soon. We signed up for Birth Classes and we watched the Business of Being Born Documentary as well. Goodness there’s so much to learn. I want to educate myself as much as possible, while keeping an open mind and being willing to welcome whatever story God chooses to write when we welcome baby Ray into the world.

That’s it for now, friends. The same ol’ me with a growing Mama’s heart. For all you entrepreneur Mamas out there – I’d LOVE to hear from you! What are your favorite books? Resources? Advice?

I just had to say thank you for the incredible warm wishes and kind words you offered to us last week when we announced our exciting news. I was quite honestly overwhelmed by your kindness and love! Goodness this Ray Baby is loved so much already. Truly, thank you!

What is so sweet about this journey for us, and for me in particular, is that God has been incredibly gracious and gentle with me. Thankfully, the Lord has taken my hand and has led me every step of the way. For me, this journey has not been typical or easy. But two things I know to be true: He is good, and His timing is perfect.

While Will has loved the idea of having kids for a few years now, it’s taken me quite some time to get used to the idea. My journey started a few years ago, when I really struggled with the idea of having a baby. I’ll be honest : I am not the girl who has dreamt of being a mom my whole life. Yes, I’ve wanted a family, and when I see myself old and gray, I see kids and grandkids in that picture. But actually taking the steps to have a baby right now? A bit terrifying in my book.

I’m going to be honest here – the past few years I’ve felt very strange and sometimes alone, because I have never had a strong desire to have a baby. I share this because my prayer is that it will be an encouragement to some of you out there who might be walking a similar path. It has literally taken me years to come to this place of being joyful about bringing a life into the world, but even now I am okay with the fact that it’s going to look different for me.

At the risk of sounding a little crazy, and possibly even being ashamed of this later, here is how I’ve felt: I love my life with Will, and I know having a baby will change what we have. I love my sleep. A lot. I don’t like baby toys or clutter. I’ve always loved the idea of having a family, and I see us going on camping trips and having adventures together. I’ve always loved working with adults or older kids / teenagers – I’ve never been one to volunteer in the nursery at church. Those teenage years excite me (I know I’m weird, but I’ve led a youth group for 5 years so to me, it’s not intimidating!) The baby years? The toddler years? Yikes. I like a clean and organized home. I don’t like crumbs or messes or drool. (Says the owner of Winston, I know. Ironic.) When Instagram feeds get taken over by babies, it slightly annoys me. (I’m pretty sure I’ll kick myself for that one later, because I see this as inevitable.) Getting used to a growing belly and changing body is an act of surrender for me. Childbirth? Can’t even talk about that one yet.

The list goes on and on, friends. But in all of it, I’m so thankful for God’s grace.

So how did I get to this point? The point I am at now: a place of joy about this baby?

It began in the beginning of this year. The Lord called me to fast the month of January about motherhood. I didn’t want to, but I did out of obedience. I gave up sugar and processed food with the intent of digging deep in my heart, asking God what He had for me. At this point, I did not want to get pregnant. I did not want to start “trying.” I was not ready in the least.

There was no voice from heaven or specific moment that my heart was changed. But it was the first step in the journey where my heart began to change. There was a theme that the Lord spoke to me throughout that month, over and over again – in sermons, songs, scripture, in my quiet times in the mornings : surrender.

The truth is this: the life of a believer should marked in surrender, not selfishness or pride. And the more I prayed, the more I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit gently nudging me towards surrender. Just like the Water Song in Hinds Feet in High Places, the Lord was teaching me that the lower I go, the more beautiful my life is to Him :

Come, oh come! let us away–
Lower, lower every day,
Oh, what joy it is to race
Down to find the lowest place.
This the dearest law we know–
“It is happy to go low.”
Sweetest urge and sweetest will,
“Let us go down lower still.”
Hear the summons night and day
Calling us to come away.
From the heights we leap and flow
To the valleys down below.
Always answering to the call,
To the lowest place of all.
Sweetest urge and sweetest pain,
To go low and rise again.

I was wanting this and fighting this in my spirit, all at the same time. But I knew if I was specifically praying about motherhood, and if the Lord kept speaking “surrender” to me, then it was time to do just that. Surrender. So I tearfully let Will know that I wasn’t ready to start trying quite yet, but I was ready to stop preventing.

I realize these words sound crazy to so many of my friends out there who so desperately want a baby, who have struggled with infertility, who love family more than anything. But every one of our journeys is different, and the Lord teaches us His faithfulness and goodness in different ways. He calls each of us to surrender, to seek Him, to follow Him, and that looks different for everyone. And that is OK.

Anyway, month by month I would continue to pray and get a tiny bit more accustomed to the fact that I very well could get pregnant. I never got to the point of being super excited about having a baby, but each month the Lord formed my heart just a tiny bit more like His – a bit more selfless, willing to surrender all my plans. After 6 months, I was okay with whatever happened – totally fine to not get pregnant, totally fine (even though still a bit weirded out) at the thought of getting pregnant.

So after several months of not getting pregnant, we decided it was time to prevent for just a few months so we wouldn’t have a baby in wedding season. Which is hilarious, because that’s exactly when I got pregnant!

No, I don’t see this as God laughing at us and in some cruel way doing exactly what I didn’t want. Because here’s the thing : in every step of this journey He has been SO good and SO gracious and SO patient with me, I just knew that His plan was trustworthy from the start. It’s NOT my plan – it’s His. This timing has been such a gift, because I’ve entered this new season of motherhood with open hands, knowing this is His life and not mine. And the reality of it is this: the creation of a new life is way more important than booked weddings or predictable finances. My security lies in being in the middle of His plan for me, and there’s no denying that I’m in the middle of it now.

I’ve had this weird, supernatural peace from the moment I found out I was pregnant. Yes, I cried and I prayed and I freaked out a bit for the first 30 minutes. Normal. But I have also been laughing at it all, from a place of trust and joy, and I can’t help but think this too, is a gift : “She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” Proverbs 31:25

So here I am, about to be a Mama, already in my 2nd trimester. I can tell you this : this is going to look different for me, and I’m okay with that. God is writing my journey and my testimony, and my prayer is that I will follow Him. I may not have Pinterest Boards yet and I may not be taking weekly photos of my belly and I may not be dreaming up nursery plans quite yet. We are still going to travel and have a clean home and run a business. But I will be a Mama, and I’m going to be a good one! Not because I’ve always dreamt of being a Mama, but because God is teaching me and leading me to be one. And He’s the best, most faithful, most generous, most loving Teacher there is.

It’s true! We’re having a baby! We are so, so grateful.

Baby Ray
Due: May 27th, 2015

To be honest, It’s so hard for me to believe this is really happening. Is there really a human growing inside of me? Are our lives really about to change forever? It’s quite surreal! It came as a surprise, and while we were certainly talking about starting a family sometime in 2015/2016, we didn’t expect for it to happen when it did. Will and I would both describe the first 2 weeks of this pregnancy in one word: disbelief. We just couldn’t believe it! In fact, we’ve been laughing a whole lot lately, because we specifically said that we would try to avoid having a baby during high wedding season: May, June, September, October. Yep, we nailed it.

So, there are a few questions I’ve been asked every time we’ve shared the news with family and friends. I plan to write more about my journey soon, but for now, here are my answers (since I know you must be curious)!

How did you find out? :: Will kept telling me I needed to take a pregnancy test before leaving town for the Influence Conference back in September. I was convinced I was not pregnant, so I didn’t want to waste a perfectly good test on something I was so sure about. (“Will, I know my body! I’m not pregnant!”) He headed out to a financial conference for the day, and I quickly took a pregnancy test before getting dressed on Thursday, September 25th. I didn’t think twice about it. Sure enough, a pink line showed up right away. I could NOT believe it. I stood in my bedroom for 5 minutes in my PJs, not knowing what to do. I cried and I prayed. Then I finally decided to get dressed, and go pick up 2 more tests that had “pregnant” spelled out so I could be SURE. When I got home, I took another test. Sure enough, the word pregnant popped up very quickly! I told Will later that afternoon, and he was elated! (More on that later!)

A note on the timing of when I found out : it was one of the craziest weekends of my life. This was the day before I photographed a beautiful Friday wedding, 2 days before flying out of town at 3:30am on Saturday (and the plane was delayed) for a speaking engagement in Indianapolis. It was a whirlwind of a weekend, and only by God’s grace and Will’s amazing support did I make it through!

Were you surprised? :: Yes, very surprised! But thankfully we were talking about starting a family this year or next, so we are quite happy with the surprise.

Are you going to find out if it’s a boy or a girl? :: Undecided. Leaning towards not finding out!

How have you been feeling? :: Great. Seriously, I have been feeling so amazing. I always feared “morning sickness,” but I am incredibly thankful that I haven’t been sick at all. I get really tired at 10pm, but I feel great and energetic during the day. I’ve kept up my running, which has helped a lot. I’ve had waves of nausea, but as long as keep eating, I’m good! It’s odd because I don’t like peanut butter anymore (it was pretty much my favorite food), and I love black coffee and pickles. (Not together.) Oh, and I hate red onions all of a sudden. But other than that, I really am feeling great.

I’ll be sharing more of my journey as my bump grows! God has taught me so much through this process, and most of all He’s shown me how loving, gracious, and patient He is. Truly. To be honest, I have never had “baby fever,” and I’ve been quite content as a wife and business owner. But as time passed, He called me to this. He held my hand the whole way, reassuring me that I can do this, implementing His perfect timing. He is always sovereign, and He is always good. Trusting Him every step of the way! More thoughts to come!

A big thank you to:
Callie for taking these beautiful images
Juliet who hand lettered this announcement!